Thursday, April 2, 2009

Time for some levity....I need to vent

Well it's spring again in DC and you know what that means: cherry blossoms, warm weather, the water is back in the fountains and.....tourists. Just when the city gets palatable and pleasant, we are descended upon by packs gawking tourists shuffling along the sidewalks, meandering into crosswalks, STANDING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STAIRS IN THE METRO, and ruining traffic with their stupid buses trying to make left hand turns in rush hour traffic. I cringe every time I see a bus enter the district and I celebrate when I see one leave. If you are considering a vacation this year please, please, please, please GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!! Or at least if you come here remember these simple rules:

1. You may be on vacation, most of us are not. DC is a place of business 24/7. If you see someone in a suit moving quickly, GET OUT OF THEIR WAY! So if you are gaping up at the Capital with your mouth wide open or gawking at the White House please do not do it in the middle of the sidewalk.
2. Pay attention to the crossing lights! The little white man means cross the street - QUICKLY! It does not mean shuffle across the intersection stopping in the middle of the road to take 20 pictures for your facebook page. The red hand means: I'll run you over as I'm trying to make a protected left.
3. If you take the metro, STAND TO ONE SIDE!!!!!!! This infuriates people in DC more than anything else. Please for the love of God stand to one side and keep your kids from obstructing the way as well.
4. Don't talk politics with locals. We are constantly barraged by politics the same way we are barraged by tourists. Chances are if you're a tourist and you start talking politics, well that's already 2 strikes.
5. The pink CIA or blue FBI sweatshirts do not make you blend in. People working for those organizations don't exactly advertise. Moreover, the "I'm in the witness protection program..." t-shirt is not funny. If you dress like a tourist, you'll probably think like a tourist, and worst of all, you'll probably act like a tourist.

Enjoy your stay!


  1. Tourists on the Metro are the worst. It's a vacation, not a lobotomy!

  2. Oh Stuart, you always have had a way with words of wisdom! This is great. Maybe the rules need to be submitted to the travel guide publishers.